Whenever I hear suggestions that I make sure to make time for myself, to rest, it always makes me laugh. And there’s a part of me that says – I’m not sure that’s in my DNA!
I had a lightbulb moment when a trusted friend told me – you’re an obliger. You’re great at taking care of everything and everyone else, but not so good at doing so for yourself.
In one sentence, she framed my entire worldview, and it explained so much! When I read Gretchen Rubin’s book, The Four Tendencies, recognising that I’m motivated by accountability was a magical moment.
Set me a goal I need to contribute for the team, a challenge I need to enable someone else to achieve, give me a problem I need to help an organisation solve…and I’m there! Ask me to do something for myself…well, that’s at the bottom of the to-do list and keeps getting reshuffled down. Finding time for myself was a permanent feature of my to-do list that never made it into the top 3-5 things that actually got done.
There’s a reason why I work out with a trainer. Not because I don’t know what I need to do, but because I don’t want to let them down for their time, which means that I’ll show up for my session and train. If it were just me, I would have a million reasons why the time I set aside to train needed to be reprioritised for something or someone else, and keep placing me last on my own list!
So what three things did I now do differently?
- Frame my personal goals with an other-centred lens
- Make sure I have an accountability partner or group
- Determine my non-negotiables
As an obliger, I know that I’m externally motivated so I frame my goals in terms of how I can help or benefit others, in a way that feels real and tangible for me. Once I’ve identified how I’m going to help and what my contribution is, then I start motoring! I recognise that to help others find their meditative path, I need to be energised and present with others, and I can only do that if I’m well-rested and full of beans.
I also know that I operate best in a team. Whilst Rubin recommends an accountability partner, I recognise that I need multiple people to help me, and I make sure to communicate my intentions and goals to my accountability group – my board of friends and advisors who are my truthtellers and who make sure I stay on track. I let them know my goals and intentions, and I report back to them – they let me know when they think I need to course-correct. Creating the website for a quiet space was a case in point – I got stuck, very stuck over the summer and couldn’t crack why I wasn’t progressing…and my business coach helped me realise that I was getting stuck talking about myself…as soon as I framed things in terms of how I can help others, the stuck-ness faded.
And I need accountability to me too. I determined what my non-negotiables are to make sure that I don’t lose sight of what’s important. My list has been refined and simplified over the years, and it comprises: getting good rest and sleep, committing to my daily meditation practice, connecting with family and friends every day, and doing something that makes me light up every day.
So next time someone asks you to think about what you need to do to make time for you, consider whether you’re framing your me-time in terms of what motivates you. It might not be about finding time, it might be about finding your accountability partner or motivational superpower!
